You're so easy to please...

I sat here and started to think about how disconnected I can become to those around me.  Like a switch, my emotions can turn on and off when I want them too (for the most part). After my failure of a relationship with a boy who I thought was (the one), confusion with school, work, life; I can certainly say I've had an intense year  (Dear 2011, please bring forth more knowledge minus the learning my lessons the hard way part).  Any how, I started to think about how easy it is to not care.  Simply not have emotions, these people who claim to be "insensitive" and who "don't give a crap about anything".  How strong they must be... (side eye)

I recently spoke to an ex who continued to tweet about how insensitive he is... I took it upon myself to remind him that he's actually not that insensitive and that he needs to stop.  I believe in the power of repetition and speaking out into existence what you want to become.  Affirmations, if you will, on a more subtle level.  I don't know why I bother reminding people like him of these things. It's such a negative thing to say about yourself and it shouldn't be my responsibility to remind you that you're a good person yet I take it on anyway because I think everyone needs someone like me in their life (even if its to point the finger at and say I'm the bad person). 

Well, the more I thought about it the more I realized that in order for a person to care it takes so much more strength and courage.  It's just that EASY for you to walk away and put no effort into anything.  Easy to live out your days selfish and abandoning emotions.  Where it'll get you I don't know, but I would hate to be the one who finds out it leaves you lonely.  Is there a term for phobia of lonely? (Googling.....) Damn you can always count on Google to come through with that answers "Eremophobia".

I'm not necessarily in fear of being alone, I'm afraid of being in a relationship with the wrong person.  Ever wake up everyday next to the person you are deeply in love with; throughout your blood, bones, body, every last fluid inside of you, you know would do absolutely anything to see them become a better person and then you wake up one morning and that's gone.  Thinking "who is this man next to me?", it was extremely sad and till this day I'm not sure I was more heart broken by the fact that I was sleeping next to a stranger or that I didn't have a chance to witness the transformation.  Life is beautiful because of times like this.

My point is that emotionless, heartless, insensitivity are all easy... And I have just blogged my way out of thinking that's the way to go...

What the fudge is going on?

(this picture is basically the motion I'm doing right now, not like right now but RIGHT NOW.... )
Another weekend passed, another lesson learned.  Let us say goodbye to that and move on, but just before we do so let me vent a little, may I? I actually want to get your opinion about my current situation. 

I met this young man (twenty something ish thirty) whom I've thuroughly enjoyed conversations with on the phone and his overall demeanor. Well, I rarely initiate anything especially calls or texts so you can imagine initiating a date would be totally out of the question.  After a week of small talk he calls me to set up a date, having been that I've lived in Florida for almost 2 months now with barely any human interaction you can imagine how I reluctantly agreeded (insert sarcastic voice here).

Friday comes and he calls and texts and seems to be interested in taking me out.  Once again I hate pushy guys so I'm not pushy myself ; it may even be taken as passive sometimes but like simply going with the flow.  I throw on my jeans and T-shirt because it was raining and seemed to be one of those nights, after all the run around about where to go blah blah (insert lame stuff here) I decide not to even bother going out.  Excuse me for liking a gentleman who has an evening planned out even if it means appetizers at a near by restaurant for an hour or so... give me something to work with please! So much for a night out with a person I was actually enjoying and interested in spending some "quality time" with.  He apologized and even tried to come up with something last minute to do.  He go the stiff arm and -_- face... Well it didn't stop there....

I met a female during orientation for one of my jobs and we clicked.  She expressed to me that she wanted to hit up this night club and as opposed as I am to meeting new people at night clubs it gets me out of the house so I agreed.  Long story short she also stood me up/ let me down.

Am I not being aggressive enough?  Whats the deal with all these flakey a$$ people?  I mean they seem very cool and genuine but they all have let me down (except for a few, few as in 2).

So all in all, I'm still trying to find my place and although I've been here for a few months months I feel anxious and disappointed.  Funny thing is I was in Miami one weekend and some promoter stopped me and my girlfriend and invited us to a club then noticed the accent and asked where we were from. When we said Boston a huge smile came across his face, he explained that most of his good friends are from Boston and they we are really down to earth honest people.  Damn right!

What's the dilly-O with folks out here?  Everyone is boo'ed up (yes with this fine ass weather) and even if you wanted to have a jump off people are so flakey that you can't predict who's down to jump and who ain't.  SMDH...I'm tired of it and want to head back home asap...

The Battle

Writing is the best form of expression for me.  Words flow from my brain, throughout my body, back up to my finger tips, and on to this keyboard.  Its as naked as some of y'all will get to see me. 

Well, you know I usually blog about something that is currently happening in my life and today it's going to be about a tweet I read last night and ironically enough had a conversation that followed and fit.  The tweet read: " the mental fight between good n evil of a man".

The older I get the easier it's become to embrace who I am and what I transforming into.  Things have dramatically changed from my grade school years when I was a shy but outgoing popular girl, to going after my dreams and being outcasted for it, until now.  People have came and left (You can't recycle this!) and each have entered my life for a specific reason.  I know people say that all the time, but I truly believe even those who you think barely impact your life actually do.  Life would be drastically different if I didn't interact with some of you.  I digress (as usual) the point of the above is that I am now begining to embrace every part of who I am.  I regret to inform you that although I stand completely naked in front of your computer screen when you read these blogs I cannot reveal all of who I am on here.

I will say this I have battled with good and evil inside of me for many years and I believe most of us have.  I believe that some have choosen to embrace one side at an early age and might not remember the battle, others have been scared into a side or have found that one side is easier than the other.  For me it has been a battle for as long as I can remember.  The feeling of wanting to do good and be the best person I can possibly be has always been there, but the evil has exposed itself and I've battled with it.  I'm not sure why I bother putting up a fight because I might be better off embracing it.  I know that when one focuses their "powers" can be used imensly and transformed into anything they want.

(When I say evil in no referrence is that to "satan", but rather a part of me who is deeply in love with pain.  Perhaps because I am a person of pleasure it's only right that my love of pain be as deep)

Once again I have learned to embrace these two sides and have choosen to explore them rather than push them away.  All of who I am is slowly coming into light for me.  Who I am, what I stand for, and what I want.  Powers I am capable of possessing and what I can do with it begin to surface the more I welcome these things.  I woke up feeling amazing this morning.  I got rid of some baggage last night, had a wonderful conversation with a new person, thanked God for putting me where I'm at right now, and committed to myself that I will take head on everything I unfold about who I am.

Perhaps I'm just learning to accept the imperfections and really use what gifts I am blessed with.  I hope all of you are able to do the same.

What have been your battles? Accomplishments?  What are you learning about yourself?

You can't recycle this...

It's trash day and you've been looking at that old dresser that you want to keep so badly because hello you've had it since you were a little girl but you know just by looking at it that it must go!  It squeaks when you open it and you have to jiggle the handle to get the third dresser to open all the way.  Guess I should throw it away...
(trash day comes and goes...)
Looks like I'll be waiting till next week to get rid of it *sigh*

This is how I feel about some of my past relationships with people.  I know they say that people are seasons and they come and go for a reason, but there are some relationships that I hold on to that I KNOW should be gone. We all  do it.  Whether its with and ex, friend, or even family member (yes I have no problem saying that you *even family* are detrimental to my health and you have to go) some relationships need to get neatly packed and thrown away.  I have this one relationship that I can't seem to shake and the weird thing is I can easily let go of people.  Its really nothing to me, there are thousands of people on  this earth to meet and see, but I am so up and down with this person the inconsistency is ridiculous and I know it's time.

Fact is I definitely still lust after him had we remained friends with benefits things would have suited us just fine.  They always say the best remedy to get over someone is to get under someone else. LIES... I don't believe that's true and I'm also not as young as I use to be, I can't go sleeping around with whoever (not that I did that when I was younger) it's just more "acceptable" to be promiscuous when you're younger... I digress

I am a woman now, and hard decisions when the are based on hard facts and hard as it may be, need to be made (yes play on words HARD).  LUST IS JUST AND EMOTION BUT HAPPINESS IS A STATE OF BEING.  Get it together Amanda smdh...

When do you throw something away and when do you keep it?  If people are seasons then keeping them around makes no point at all, right?

You want it? Here you go, you can have it...

(a brief video for the flirting impaired)
This past weekend I went out with a few coworkers of mine and my boss. My coworker brought along a friend who seemed to have been digging my vibes. (Truth be told I'm quiet oblivious when it comes to men flirting with me and definitely not upon first meeting them) Any how, my boss arrives and she begins to flirt with the gentleman who was flirting with me. As I watch her behavior I begin to chuckle a little inside: considering there wasn't that much alcohol involved yet I couldn't understand why a woman would throw herself at a guy who clearly wasn't giving her signs back??? She positioned herself directly in the middle of the gentleman and I, and sat in between his legs. She allowed him to touch her a** and rub on her legs. *bbm confused face and if you don't have a blackberry go ask one of your friends what it looks like* I'm 2o something years old and this is a 33yr old woman, you would think that I would be the one making moves like this. She also asked me to accompany her to the bathroom (she had already gone to the bathroom alone so why ask me to go this time???) I'm no fool, I may play naive to things but I'm far from understanding behaviors of men and women (it's what I do for a living). All in all a great night and interesting nonetheless... needless to say I bagged and she's mad, I hope this doesn't affect her behavior with me at work *damn should have thought that through*
Are these flirting tactics of the norm?
I personally don't flirt like this, I don't like when men do it to me so I make a point not do it to others. I rather be myself and yes play a little hard to get because when I see that you go after it, it proves to me that you want it. But this?!?! I couldn't comprehend what was going on. OK, that's a lie I knew exactly what was going on but I still don't understand why women do it.
Flirting is an art. A way to express yourself to your significant other without speaking. Its lightly touching, eyes speaking your emotions, movements that say everything without saying anything. Its beautiful, and something that comes natural to us as humans. Imagine being able to give your woman/man goosebumps with the slightest touch and blow on their neck. It shouldn't stop after you've made that person your bf/gf, play with it,have fun, and like foreplay its necessary to keep things hot.
Some other flirting tips:
1. Don't touch too much
2. Laughing too much or too loud is obnoxious
3. If you don't feel comfortable than you're doing too much
4. Read their body language and eyes (don't waste your good flirting skills with someone who's not interested)
please feel free to add... good day and good flirting

Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game

I recently had a conversation with my cousin about relationships and the intrigue of the "chase" and "bad boys".  It went a little something like this:

Cousin- "Amanda, why are women into the bad boy?"

Amanda- "Honestly I don't think its the "bad boy" we're into, it's the mystery of what we don't know.  If you can uncover a layer each time you're with that person the more you want to be around him/her.  I also don't think I can be tamed by just about anyone, I'm a bit of a problem ( hence the twitter name @ima_problemm), so those who can capture my attention deserve every second of it. Why do you ask?"

Cousin- "Because I treat this lady right, told her exactly how I feel and she's not feeling the same way, but she's giving me all the signals"

(typical "just want to be friends because you don't give me that ooOoo aaaHHhh feeling")

Amanda- "Well then you need to ignore her and move on.  NEXT!"

Cousin- "You sound like this book I heard called The Game, this guy lets out all the tricks of the trade and what you described is something like a "neg".

(light bulb!)

I went out the next day to buy the book (I needed a new book to read anyways) and started immediately.  Here was my thinking behind it; I'll read the book learn the rules and then flip them.  Not that I'm trying to play games (left those days back where they belong) or a pimp...

"A pimp is someone who solicits clients for prostitutes for the interest of money... I'm just trying to get my groove on" in the words of Bill Bellamy

...but I was curious to see what this book was all about and compare notes.  Look at me as Katrina from "How to be a Player" interested enough to get right to the ledge but I won't jump... (Sorry Katrina)

So here's the book in a nutshell:

1. Select a target- If I have to explain this part to you then you need to leave this blog site now...

2. Approach and Open- This is the most important part of introducing yourself to a female.  It should take no more than 3 seconds after she's noticed you noticing her to approach her and her friends. You need an opening "Have you seen that new movie (insert movie that you googled that same evening here)?"

3. Demonstrate Value- You must represent value to your target, show her that you're the one everyone wants to be around and that you could potentially be a great life partner (what *every woman wants)

4.Disarm the Obstacles- This doesn't mean just boyfriends but "cock blockers" and "over protective male friends" better known as "the one's waiting till she is drunk enough so they can get the go because they wouldn't get the go on a sober night"...

5. Isolate the Target- Again another self explanatory one but you do this by intriguing the female... magic tricks and deciphering writing things of that nature (that make you appear interesting) really help with this...

6.Create and Emotional Connection- This is my favorite because although my major is psych I never thought of people using conditioning in dating situations.  You basically condition your "target" to feel a good feeling whenever they think of you by using an object or hand motion (quite genius if you ask me)

7.Extract to a Seduction Location- Again if you read this one and you can't seem to figure it out go visit another site please and thank you....

Really the rest of the steps are self explanatory and if you can't get her to step number 8 then you should reevaluate your target or your approach and start over. 

What I learned after reading most of this book is that it's a scam.  Yup I'm calling Neil Strauss out and telling him "you're a genius and you got my money but all in all this book will only get you laid".  Sorry guys the best way to get what you want is to reflect that person in your actions.  There are so many sites and classes that offer you insight into what the opposite sex wants and how to become that perfect partner, but the reality of it is if you play the game you will attract players.  If you are just you, you will go on to find real people who want nothing more than to be comfortable around someone and connect.  Too much shit of bulls going on nowadays in regards to love and searching...

Yup that's just about it.  All of these things are cool and have proof behind them and I believe WILL get you laid but that's where it ends.

*every- please do not take this literal

UNSPOKEN

Wish you cared because there are some things on my chest that I need to let go of

The only one who needs to hear it doesn't care to listen

Ever so distant and I'm not talking miles

I tried to change for you but the more I failed the more I realized I wasn't suppose to do it for you

I must apologize for everything I put you through but now that it's said and done I must say thank you

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you

Pray for you

Wish the best for you

Hope that you look in the mirror and see what I saw

Perhaps in another place and maybe another time

Took things t0o fast and they went too slow and just like that it disappeared & now our love lost has no where to go

And this here is to my love misguided